“My Dad Looks Like My Gramps, But His Heart Is All Her…”

I know that my grandpas birthday is coming up, but he wouldn’t have been him without my grandma. This is all about her, and he would have it this way too: 

IMG_7226This time of year always reminds me of my grandma.. It’s probably because we always made it a point to see her often around the holidays. Especially after grandpa passed away. She looked great in red, but I remember her in blue the most. I remember walking into her senior home and knocking on her
door, waiting just a couple seconds as she walked to the door. She loved visitors. She always played host so well, always something to offer. Mostly stuff that wasn’t good for you, little candies and goodies. I remember going to see her and knowing I was going to be there for a couple hours, if not, between shifts. She didn’t care how long I was there just as long as I came to visit her. The tv was always on for background noise and she always had some type of plant to keep it homey. I miss her everyday, I know she is watching me as I raise my daughter. I’m sad that she wasn’t able to meet
Chloe in front of me, but I know before God gave me Chloe: they met in IMG_6926heaven. She knew I was going to get pregnant before I did. She had told one of my aunts and another family member that I was with child before I actually was. But she knew. I saw her almost everyday before she passed. Her and I both knew her time was almost up and having her as my last grandparent, I needed to take advantage of that. She always told me not to worry and she would be in a better place. She told me to be happy and that she loved me. I would look into her eyes and I could see her heart smiling. I hated leaving everyday knowing she would just sit there with her thoughts. She loved to talk. She loved to talk about what she had thought about all day, what she did that day, what other people did that day and any gossip in the nursing home.. I still remember the day I found out she passed away and joined the army of angels.. I was at my old job and had a phone call, I could hear it in their voice… Something was wrong. I knew it was her. Obviously, I left work and went straight home to my family.. This time of year is hard now. I can’t just go visit her like I would. But I believe when you think about someone who has passed they are in your presence.

When I would go with my dad to see her, I saw a kid. Her baby boy. He looks like gramps, no doubt.. But his heart, thats all her. I am proud to be in this family.

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Being Thankful For (almost) 8 Months and Counting…

Sometimes the days seem so long but in reality… after she eats five or six times, the day comes to an end. Then I look back in shock at how fast my baby girl has grown. I’ll put her to sleep and then take her out of the crib the next morning, she looks like she has grown over night. The things that take her a couple days to conquer seem like they happen so fast. First it was little things like finding her hands, holding her head up. Now its crawling and holding all her weight on all fours. I can’t believe that in 4 short months she will be a year old. I kind of feel victorious for accomplishing a whole year as a parent, like I should get some type of reward from the world. But there are people out there who do what I do ALL by themselves, with less resources… with nothing. They should get the reward. I have help, I have food to put on the table, and I have a job to provide for my daughter. Chloe is an “easy” baby so I don’t have it that rough, although because I am used to such a good baby, when we have hard days.. I feel like giving up.

I keep pushing because during the teething times and when she’s sick, I  tell myself that she is a baby and this is what they do. I would be acting the same if not worse if my teeth were working their way through my sensitive gums. And I am the worst when I’m sick. I have to remind myself through out the day that this is Chloe acting “bad”. I have a healthy and happy (most of the time) baby. People are out there dealing with kids who have disabilities, have kids who are terminally ill, or who have already lost a child. I am one of the fortunate ones. As are my friends who have kids. I hear so often mommy complaints.. I do it too. But we have SOOOOO much to be thankful for. Yea, our babies are fussy, or they are wakeful through the night. But they are alive, healthy, and happy. We have more than a lot of people do. We were able to have children. Do you know how many people would kill to have a baby?! I sometimes feel like complaining as well, and I’m not saying I haven’t… But I really have the best. I am truly blessed and I couldn’t be happier.. even on our “hard” days. Its so easy to pick out the hard times and negative things in our lives. We really should count our blessings.

I hope Chloe grows to be thankful, appreciative, and humble with what she has. I work my butt off doing different things to make money here and there. I hope she realizes how good she actually has it. I do too. Being able to provide for my little is the best feeling in the world. I don’t need to ask people for help but because I have it, I am sane. Someone out there always has it worse.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”          -Regina Brett

In conclusion, I do think it’s okay for you to complain… in moderation. We all have to vent, and  I totally get that.. I do however believe that if you think about something positive before you speak the negative.. you might not be in the mood to “vent” anymore. I am going to try and focus on the good rather the bad things because this is a problem I have. Its easy for me to instantly become bummed or upset over the “little” things when in reality there are way bigger things to be worried over.

two -> three

IMG_2232Sooooo I had written a whole blog about her second month of life… But this stupid thing didn’t save it, so instead or trying to recreate it, I’m just gonna mash two months together… less reading too. lets be real, who likes to read that much anyway?!

These past two months have been some sort of crazy. She is literally changing IMG_2247overnight. She will be so close to accomplishing something and the next morning its like she practiced in her dreams. She is now eating her hands more than anything, she’s still obsessed with her chucho (pacifier)  but she is so infatuated with her hands. She recently found them and knows that they are connected to her. I had never really appreciated my hands all that much, even though I use them everyday… After watching how happy she was with her “new” hands, I found a new appreciation for mine. She is teaching me things everyday too. I’ll think all my patience has run out then she reminds me that this an all day job, so I might as well make the best of it. She is growing into a little human right before my eyes. I sometimes miss the days when all she was do IMG_2302was sleep the day away and I could just do whatever I want, but I love watching her grow and discover new things.

We have been part of a “mommy group” consisting of a couple of my friends and their children. Its so nice to have people who know what you are talking about. And they’re all around my age. Of course Chlo is the youngest, but thats okay, I was always the “baby” of my friends too. The kids are all so young that they can’t do much buIMG_2336t we enjoy talking, sharing and venting about the duties of being mothers. I think when you tell people who don’t have kids about your responsibilities of being a parent, you paint them a picture that makes them look at parenthood as a bad thing. It really isn’t, but sometimes you are so overwhelmed that you need to explain or vent about situations to people who understand what you are saying. I don’t love my baby any less because I get frustrated at my tasks as a parent. Im only human. Its natural. This is an all day, everyday job. Theres no weekend or summer vaycay. I chose to keep her and being her mother is the best job I’ve ever had. I am so privileged. Not every one gets this wonderful gift, and yes, I may be younger than I expected to become a mother, but I will get more time with her hopefully. I got to meet her sooner than I expected but it was the best gift I’ve ever received. Everyday she reassures me I made the right decision. Her smile can brighten anyones day and I know she loves me without having to tell me. She is my best friend.

IMG_3040 She has upped her sleeping from 6 hours to a whole 10 hours at night. I can’t explain how great it feels after months of sleep training. I read this book called “On Becoming Baby Wise: Give Your Infant The Gift Of Sleep”. Best book I have ever read. It worked wonders on my little human.She was sleeping the full night through by 6 weeks on the date. She wasn’t always like this. She was a night owl… But no longer is that an issue. She is a much better sleeper than a lot of babies I know. Everyone says she’s an easy baby, and she really is, but she has her days.

She has had her first fathers day, at a rodeo. We went with Erick and his family. She slept most of theIMG_3031 time, even with our seats right next to the announcer and singers. She has had her first fourth of July. We went to the Marin County Fair.. There were some interesting people. I’ll probably talk more about that in another blog, just some things I saw. She loved the fireworks though, she was so fascinated with them. No tears from my baby. We went swimming for her first time last week. She didn’t even cry when her feet touched the water. Her suit was getting too small because we bought it during the last heat wave, last month and no longer fits her. Her first and last time wearing that suit.

IMG_3197All in all, these past two months have been nothing short of amazing. I love every second with my daughter. She is my life and now that I have her: I don’t know what I would do without her. I can’t imagine what I would be doing now, if I wasn’t a mommy. Probably smoking, and still partying and not really going any where in life, no purpose. Im so glad that I changed my life, especially for her.

I can’t believe that my baby will be four months soon.

Its all happening so fast, but Im loving every second of it with her.


That first month..

The first month of my daughters life has already flown by like nothing. I feel like I just brought her home a week or two ago but it has been a whole month right before my eyes. Today she is 5 weeks and I must say they have been the hardest weeks of IMG_1498my life, by far. They are rewarding in many ways and I am so in love and obsessed with her but it is not an easy job being a parent. I can’t imagine my life without her now that she has come into mine, and am so thankful she is healthy and so so beautiful. But the 3AM feedings are not my favorite and when she is changed, fed and not tired.. its hard to figure out why she is crying. I think she just likes to exercise her lungs…

IMG_1430_2She has taught me so much already, more than she or anyone knows. She has taught me patience, unconditional love, and that it is okay to cry when I have only gotten 5 hours of sleep total in 48 hours.. They say to sleep when baby sleeps but its almost impossible for me between checking to see if she’s breathing, trying to pump breastmilk, and keeping up with my chores. She needs a diaper change more than I imagined and loves to gulp down the milk. She gets drunk at almost every meal.

Drs and some books tell you to feed your newborn every three hours.. its a little crazy to me to IMG_1380wake a sleeping baby when their form of communication is to cry when they need something. I fed every three hours up until about two weeks ago. Ive been letting her tell me when she is hungry and it is almost every three hours anyway, give or take thirty minutes. She has her own schedule and if she is sleepy, I’m not going to deprive her of that. We all need it and there is no need for us both to be grumpy and crying because we got woken up. I want to get her sleeping through the night at 8 weeks but so far she has a different schedule everyday. She likes to throw me for curve balls every now and then.



A princess is born!

April 12, 2015

The day my little girl was born was honestly the best day of my life. I had been in labor for three days… (longest three days of my life) I had to be induced so my body wasn’t really ready for labor, but they made it happen.. after three different types of drugs to speed up dilating. I had only planned on going in for one of my regular checkups at the hospital and they informed me I would be staying to deliver. I knew she wasn’t going to come that night but I also didn’t know I would have to wait what seemed like forever to finally meet her. I wasn’t filled in on the instructions, routine or pains of giving birth because my classes were the day after I had been admitted.. I was going in blind folded basically. You see it in movies or hear mothers stories but your just like “oh that was easy, they made it look like a breeze“. Boy were they lying. It was the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever accomplished. Even to this day, I’m still in shock my body could do something so amazing!

Anyway, Im getting off topic… point is I was in labor for three days. Meeting a new nurse every couple hours: whose names and faces I forgot in minutes because of the contraction pains. I had visitors throughout the days of waiting, those who made the days go by faster. But, the biggest support system I had was my boyfriend, Erick. He was there for me the whole time I was in the hospital. Some dads go home for a bit to get a break off of the fold out chairs but he never left my side.

It was the third day I was in there, the day I would be delivering my baby. I was still three centimeters and had been since the day before. I had to get my epidural. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but my contractions were getting closer and closer together, and still not dilated any more than before. I went to bed that night in the room I would deliver in. It was becoming so much more real knowing this would be my last room before I got to meet the littlest love of my life. The Drs decided to break my water to speed things up once I had hit five centimeters, within an hour I went all the way to ten centimeters. The minute I hit ten, I knew it was time. The Dr checked me out and told me my body was right. My body was telling me to push, but my little girl hadn’t dropped enough down to start. It would have stressed her out too much if I had started pushing at that time. So, I did little pushes that helped my body not hurt as much, but didn’t put stress on baby. The monitor had lost her heartbeat, but they soon put a string attached to her head to keep track that way. The Drs said that when the string moves then she is moving more towards the outside world. It wiggled lots and I was being told that it was almost time to really give it my all… I gave every ounce of strength I had to help bring her into the world.. I had to hold my own legs and one point towards the end and I just remember thinking, omg thats a lot of hair… is it a hamster!?”  When they placed her on my chest I had forgotten all the pain I just went through for the last hour. I got compliments that made me feel like a superhuman. My family and the Drs made me feel amazing about all the effort I had just done alone to bring her out. The feeling that came over me is so unreal and unexplainable. Unless you are a parent yourself, its hard to picture what feelings come over you. This little human is growing inside of you for almost ten months, and all of a sudden: there they are. They know who you are off the bat. She cried when she came out, not right away, but when they gave her to me.. she immediately stopped. My heart was overflowing with love. I get butterflies when I look at her. This little piece of me is forever mine and finally here. Its like waiting for Christmas to happen when your little. Its like when you can’t sleep at night because you’re so excited for the next day. Its like the smell of fresh laundry. Its like when you think about memories that make your heart smile. Its the best feeling ever. Better than all the examples I just listed. She is my everything and I am so proud to be her momma. She is life.




The beginning of something new.

I am a 21 year old, soon to be mother. I have the most amazing boyfriend who has my back 110% and puts up with my crazy preggo hormones, which most of my family members can’t. A lot of people would wish for my blessings, people pray for this kind of life. So for all of them, I am truly blessed. Im due in April, I’m having a girl, and her name is Chloe Loraine.

IMG_0426I wasn’t planning on having a child this early in my life, but I also believe everything happens for a reason. I know that I am capable of doing the best I can to be the best mother I can be. I have no doubt that she will be so loved and welcomed in so many peoples arms. I will teach her the way I think the world should be. Be kind, honest, humble, have a good sense of humor, stay strong to your opinion, and don’t be in a hurry to grow up faster than you already are. Innocence is the greatest gift. To be a kid again, I would go back in a heart beat.

I work at a local restaurant four days a week, and just attended my first semester at SRJC. I took a couple years off after graduating to make money and support myself because of my fathers current work schedule. I finally went back, only to find out three weeks into the semester that I was carrying a child. Knowing I could finish at least one semester before baby came, made me work harder. I passed the classes I  had signed up for. But for now I am taking this semester off due to giving labor right in IMG_0787the middle, and missing class after she is born. Its not worth it if you know you aren’t going to finish the whole thing. I plan on going back a semester after she is born, in the fall. I am excited but also nervous for how the pressure and stress will be. But I must remain positive and continue to work hard for my baby girl. I want her to be proud of me and have a life where she doesn’t have to struggle. I want a good job to get her through college, when her time comes. I’ll still have to work nights, and go to night school some nights, but in the end it will be worth it, even if we have to cut back on our budget for the first few years.

I do hope that when you read this, you get some sense of my life and how much I appreciate every opportunity and blessing that has come my way.

Look forward to the journey with ya’ll.



My fur baby

Olive is about 6 years old and I’ve had her since she was 2 weeks old. It all started when my friend, Chris’ cat was having babies. Me and one of my best friends, Michala went over to hangout one day with him and had no intentions on taking one home.. Michala picked up one of the kittens out of the Photo on 2012-06-04 at 00.51cardboard box and it was a fluffy little ball of cuteness. It was honestly love at first sight. She was the only black cat out of the bunch… I think the fact she was different and unique, compared to the rest of the litter, made me love her more. She was the oddball in the bunch. I went home and told my dad “I HAD TO HAVE HER!” He talked it over with, who at the time was to be my future stepmom, and she convinced him pets make a house, a home. He told me all the responsibilities it took to raise a kitten and everything I had to do if she was going to be MY cat. At this time I was only 14 and wasn’t the most responsible kid. But I knew I had to grow up at some point and thought this would be the perfect challenge..
My sister and I went to Chris’ house later that week. I saw my beauty and was so happy I was finally going to take her home. My sister was caught up in all the excitement, she took one home too. Her cat came from another litter. They had two momma cats and one daddy cat. He got down with the get down… Any who they ended up with two litters, two weeks apart. My sister got an orange cat from the younger litter. At first we thought it was a girl, and she named her Tiger Lilly. We later found out it was a boy, and shortened it to Tiger. We took them both back to my dads house and tried to get my cat aware with her surroundings. The key word being tried… My dad had even made the dinning room into a kitten house, It was awesome. He put up a wall and set up her bed, litter box, toys, food and water. Made everything cozy.. She was still NOT a happy camper. She ran under the china cupboard right out of the gate. Then she scratched my sister when she tried to get her. She was hissing and IMG_1963meowing mean meows at us… I let her sleep it  off and get used to the room itself before I bombarded her   with my presence. The next day, she was still upset. I felt  bad, like I had taken her from her family. That night I  could hear her little cries but when I tried to console her,  she would hiss at me and hide. I was not going to have this  distance anymore. I wanted her to love me as much as I  loved her crazy ass already.. I took all her stuff to my room  and set up camp. Next I blocked off all the places she escape from me.. I locked myself in my room for the weekend so I didn’t have to be interrupted by school. Over the two and a half days we bonded. We played, she would scratch and bite me but not hard enough to hurt.  Although, she still wouldn’t sleep with me in bed, she was cute nonetheless.
The two weeks was up with my dad, and it was time to pack my bags to head to my moms house.. I had just gotten my kitten and didn’t want to leave her. I cried to my mom about how we had just gotten so close and I didn’t want her to forget who I was over two weeks… But my mom said no, her boyfriend was allergic to cats… I showed up at my moms house and gave her the silent treatment.. I was so angry she was going keep me from my new pet. She eventually caved because she couldn’t take my teenage attitude. We didn’t tell her boyfriend and he never wondered why I constantly had myIMG_7188 door shut for the next couple of days… But my kitten was hiding in my other room.. Since we had spent so muchtime in my room at my dads house, she was only used to me in this strange place.. I was on the computer late one of the nights and she came up on my pillow and curled into a ball, and my heart melted for the first time. Im glad I took her to my moms because I think it was a chance for her to finally see that I was going to be there for her no matter where we were. Even if our surroundings changed, I wouldn’t
I only spent the weekend at my moms house because her boyfriend eventually found out and I knew she belonged at home, at my dads house. I spent the next two or three weeks at my dads but I still would go over to my moms for dinner and hangout after school, just slept at my dads. Thats basically how our bond started, when we went back to my dads she slept with me in bed, and to this day.
Today, she wakes me up by sitting on my face, licking my eyelids and stepping on my chest. She greets me at the door everyday, meowing with excitement. She hisses at my brother every time is about to step into my room, like a guard cat. She is getting fat and has grey hair. People say she’s a bitch of a cat, but when it boils down to it, she’s my cat and she lets me do what ever I want to her. Thats the way I like it. You wouldn’t let some stranger man handle you.. She is smart, she is cute, she will always be my furbaby kitten and I will always be her mommy.IMG_4236