To the “man” who walked away from my daughter..

A lot of people have asked me about Chloe’s biological father and I’m more than open with the subject.. Erick and I have talked about this many times and how we will introduce the idea to Chloe about how she came into the world.. We are going to keep it a topic of common discussion. She will not find out in some letter years later, or think it was kept a secret. We are going to be honest with her about it. Any questions, concerns or comments she may have in the future. I think it is important for her to know the cultures behind who she is and why she looks the way she does, different than myself or Erick. I think it’s important to be open with her about it from a young age. I KNOW she will always look at Erick as her father, because he is. I KNOW she will be grateful for the life we have provided her with, together. I have a knot in my stomach thinking that Chloe will question it all at some point, I’m trying to brace myself for the day.. The day when she wonders why someone would leave her, why someone wouldn’t want to be a parent and what she did wrong. My answer will be “Absolutely nothing. You did nothing wrong. God gave us the life we are dealt and it will all make sense one day”.

To the “man” who walked away from my daughter,

Thank you! Thank you for giving me the best blessing I could ever imagine, even if you didn’t think so at the time. Thank you for leaving, thank you for choosing to take yourself out of her life.. She doesn’t need someone who is a part time parent, or someone who is questionable about her existence. She doesn’t need someone who isn’t going to stick around and have her best interest at heart. She doesn’t need someone who doesn’t love her. I am twice the parent you would have ever been to her, and love her ten times more than you can comprehend. I am enough parent for the both of us.  One day she will wonder about you and I will only tell her good things because I will not ruin her idea of what you might be. If she wants to find out on her own, that’s her choice.. She may not even want to meet you, and I’ll still be okay with that. When I look at her I don’t see you, I see me. I see a human that I created, grew and raised. I see a wonderful baby, girl, and woman. I see all she will aspire to be and how much she has changed me for the better. I see someone who doesn’t need you. I see all her potential in life and who she will turn out to be. Honest, compassionate, funny, wise, humble, and responsible. The exact opposite of you. I see someone who learns from your mistakes and for that I am thankful. I am not resentful towards you, I am grateful. I have the best daughter in the world thanks to you. And thanks to you, I don’t have to share her. I don’t have to worry about what you guys are doing on your time.. If she is being fed, loved or ignored. I don’t have to worry about if your leaving her with someone to go smoke weed or hangout with your friends. I don’t have to miss her on any holidays because we are joined at the hip. I don’t have to miss any birthdays because I get them all! I am beyond blessed, while you think she is a burden. She may be nothing to you, but to me she is EVERYTHING! I have a wonderful family, a man that loves me & his daughter. We are expecting another and our family will only grow from there. So thank you for (at the time) keeping me in the mindset that I could be a single mother & made the right choice in keeping her in every aspect. I don’t know what my life would be if I didn’t meet you, get pregnant years later and get left with a baby growing in my stomach. The best bumps in the road lead to the best life I could imagine. So once again, thank you for knowing you were too childish and selfish to be her father, she will never be the one who missed out, you will be.   img_1183img_0992img_1228

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These are a few of my favorite things

-all the pros, of all the seasons-

If you know me, you know I am not a summer person. I hate the heat and how many people are running about. I hate that you can’t really cuddle because of the stickiness and sweat the bodies create. I hate having to put loads of sunscreen on and feel oily. I hate going to the park and the entire thing is on fire so my little one can’t even play. I hate the fact that everyone is in shorts, particularly myself. However, I can think of a few things that make me happy about the summer..

I love waking up to the birds chirping and singing me songs. I love the natural rays of sunlight that beam through my window to wake me peacefully. I do however, love the smell of sunscreen and watching my daughters skin turn its darker complexion in just one afternoons play. I love the family gatherings we have under the shady spots in the backyard that are surrounded by greenery. The food we cook and the great company of friends who are like family. I love the soft breezes that pass every so often, that move the wind chimes while giving you a break from the radiant sun. I love the sound of oldies and Dave Matthew’s band on the speakers as we sip our refreshing drinks and share laughs. I love when the sun goes down, how its still warm outside and we can make s’mores on the fire pit under the stars.

Even though all of these things sound great… When this time of the year is coming to an end, thats where I really get my kicks from. There is just something about the leaves falling from the trees that excites me and makes me anxious for the year to be over. I love being cozy, in sweats and multiple blankets. I love to cuddle and feel warm physically and mentally. I love making snacks and watching movies all day with the blinds up as the rain falls outside. I can see it, but I can’t feel it. I love turning my fireplace on and lighting all my candles at once and feeling like I’m safe from all the cold. I love doing arts and crafts inside as I can smell my freshly baked dessert finishing up in the oven. I love lazy days. I love gulping warm drinks and feeling them make all your insides warm at the same time. I love to puddle jump and dive into a pile of leaves to see all the dark colors of autumn disperse. The burnt oranges, bright yellows, browns and dark reds all come together. I love to bundle up in beanies, cozy socks, scarfs and layers. I love the anticipation of all the holidays coming: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. The gifts, gatherings and yummy food. I love pumpkin picking, and watching my little human trick-or-treat. I love decorating the tree and sitting in the dark with nothing but the Christmas tree lights on. I love holiday music and how happy people are (unless you work in retail, like myself). I love that people come home for the holidays, rather leave for summer vacations. I also love the fact that when all these fun things are over, I get to start planning a shindig for my daughters birthday in a short couple of months..

What I hate about all of these things, even my favorites are: how fast all these feelings come and go (and the rain when I have to leave the house).

“The days are long, but the years a short.”  -Gretchen Rubin

In conclusion, things that I hope happen every year in our house are wonderful things. I hope that we always have laughing kids running a muck in our house. Playing together with their imaginations. I hope that they can explore outside for hours as they play “restaurant” with the plants and make “salads”. I hope we have a fridge full of artwork done by little hands. I hope that we always have cuddles, even in the warm seasons. I hope we do fun things like family game night, until their old enough to love them without being forced to. Or, going to the movies when its hot or cold outside. I hope to have dates with my daughters to do girly things. And, dates with my boys to teach them to be gentlemen. I hope to have the sweetest aroma of laundry being done throughout the whole house. I hope that we have smiling faces everyday.  I hope that our kids grow to appreciate what they have and to find appreciation in what they normally wouldn’t. My wish is that my kids are always happy, healthy and humble. I want them to put God first, and everything else will fall in to place, just how it is supposed to.

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Overworked moms

How many of you moms feel like you’re constantly working? All day, everyday?  From eyes open to eyes closed? I DO! PICK ME! You may think that Erick has a wife who cooks, cleans and does it all.. Well he does, but not one who is quiet about it. I voice my opinion of equality all the time. I only work at night except Monday mornings so I feel like my whole day is cleaning, then go to work and coming home just to pick up where I left off. I love to have a clean home, everything has a place and every place is a home to something. I know there are fathers who live like myself as well. I heard on The Real that moms do an average over 100 odd little tasks a day… It might be a little more than that. While you think you’re hard at work, which I’m not doubting you are, we are at home:

  • Waking up children, or rather, them waking us up, at the wee hours of the night/morning.
  • Making breakfast, feed the little babes, try not to forget to feed ourselves.
  • Take a shower while the child is in the shower with us, in their own personal tub.
  • Put the littles down for the naps that they fight constantly.
  • Strip bed sheets (adult and kids beds).
  • This one is just me: Empty the pool water and make way for clean water to play in.
  • Empty dishwasher and drying rack, just to load them back up again and hand wash all the pots and pans.
  • Sweep kitchen & bathroom.
  • Mop both of those rooms.
  • Wipe down all the counter tops
  • Put a load in the washer, and fold the remaining 4 clean baskets that have been sitting in the corner of the bedroom for days.
  • Pick up toys every 30 mins so that I don’t trip and die on a toy boat.
  • Make baby lunch. Maybe a snack for myself. Maybe.
  • Attempt to do some school work.
  • Hold child while attempting to do school work.
  • Get a cup of now cold coffee that was made at the time of task number 2.

This is all stuff I did yesterday. This doesn’t even include if the day has a Dr. apt or some other plans. People ask me why I’m so tired, my kid sleeps through the night… Whoopty-F***ing-Do. I may have a child who sleeps through the night, but she is 1. Every and anything she can get her hands on, its either broken, dirty or misplaced. Its no easy job to be a slave to your child. But you do all these “jobs” so your family has a clean and beautiful home to be proud of. I don’t wash my sheets everyday so that list isn’t an everyday thing but its replaced with some other task, I’m sure. I just want to say if you are the parent who isn’t making this list your daily routine, then give them a break. Take the kid and let them get out of the house or enjoy a night with friends. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy being a mother, but in order for me to be my best for my little human, I need to take care of myself. She deserves a mommy who is relaxed and calm and had some alone time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you never leave your kids side you’ll never get to experience the “run with open arms” hug. Its the best. But like I said, it’s all worth it. Everything. 

Some annoying things.. SHIT.. toddlers do.

So Chloe is now 14 months, and harder than ever to entertain. My patience is tested at its highest lately. She drives me insane, drives me up the wall. I sometimes have to take a step back and let her be a little girl. She is going to do things that piss me off or make me wonder “WHY ME?!” She’s one and some odd months, she isn’t a kid who listens on the first try, she mostly has no idea what I’m saying…  I can’t expect her to have common sense yet. Being a parent is the toughest, hardest, most exhausting job/title i’ve ever been given. Its not always flowers and rainbows, laughs and hugs. I’m IMG_7070going to be honest, its not always a walk in the park. And if it were a walk in the park, it would definitely consists of a crying baby trying to chase some squirrels, me chasing after her and people starring at us like we were crazies (which, lets be real, we are a bunch of crazies). Don’t get me wrong, I love my little human with all I have and I don’t know what life would be without her, she is the light of my life and all things good; but I think any parent would be lying if they said everything was good all the time. Children are more complex than average aged humans, they don’t know what feelings are and some don’t know words, they don’t know the ways of the world or how things work. Its a tough job being a kid too, I’m sure. 

Chloe is seriously the cutest kid on the planet to me but sometimes I just can’t with her.. She is crazy. IMG_7259She stands on toys that have wheels and damn near gives me a heart attack every time she does it. She recently learned how to climb up her little human couch onto the table and start dancing.. She screams bloody murder when I take her out of the bath. Speaking of baths, she throws all her toysinto the shower… while I’m showering.. Also, while I shower, she pulls things out of the trash (q-tips etc), she unrolls all the toilet paper and makes a trail of my (unused) tampons around the house. Not to mention her watching me take a shit every time, its so much pressure. The clinginess is real lately. I can’t get anything done, she cries about any and every thing she possibly can and won’t sit still. She hides things in random places.. If we’re ever missing a remote; I IMG_7129look in the kitchen cabinets. She also has to pull everything out of the cabinets (I know you’re thinking “why don’t you baby proof everything?!”, we can’t! Im just gonna leave it at that). She fights every nap time there is, and even when its time to go to bed, I’m not sure where the party is but its definitely not in our house, so I don’t know why she won’t just sleep. Just when I tell myself “Its okay to take a nap too” SHE WAKES UP! And, when we do sleep, she kicks me in the face, back and any other body part she can get her feet to. Then she wakes during the wee hours of the night and wants to play..  Its ridiculous. Yea, toddlers are great.. They like to be the center of attention, even when your out in public. They make the biggest mess in restaurants, ones that make you feel obligated to tip more because someone has to clean up after your little terror. And, they want everyone to hear them while doing so, so they scream all the time.

Honestly, all of this sounds horrible but my kid is seriously the best thing that has every happened to me. Just sometimes reality hits and things are all perfect as some people make them seem. Im sure if IMG_7083you’re a parent you can relate to this post and if you aren’t, I’m sure it is making you think twice about kids. I have these hard days, but if I didn’t, then the good ones wouldn’t seem as wonderful.There is no greater joy than a child. The way they run to you when you come in the front door with open arms after being away from you for hours. The way they want to cuddle you when they’re sick or sad or hurt. I wouldn’t change any of these annoying things my child does because we are growing together. I learn something new every day from her, something new about myself. She is my reason for being on earth and my absolute best friend. I have these hard days, but I’m not the only one and other people have it way harder than I. Some IMG_7165people can’t have kids or have lost theirs. I would take all of these hard days over days without her. My life would be boring and my heart would be empty. So heres to all the kids in our lives who make us want to rip out our hair and then make us want to give them kisses. Kids are like sour patch kids. Sour. Sweet. Gone. (out of the nest)

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“My Dad Looks Like My Gramps, But His Heart Is All Her…”

I know that my grandpas birthday is coming up, but he wouldn’t have been him without my grandma. This is all about her, and he would have it this way too: 

IMG_7226This time of year always reminds me of my grandma.. It’s probably because we always made it a point to see her often around the holidays. Especially after grandpa passed away. She looked great in red, but I remember her in blue the most. I remember walking into her senior home and knocking on her
door, waiting just a couple seconds as she walked to the door. She loved visitors. She always played host so well, always something to offer. Mostly stuff that wasn’t good for you, little candies and goodies. I remember going to see her and knowing I was going to be there for a couple hours, if not, between shifts. She didn’t care how long I was there just as long as I came to visit her. The tv was always on for background noise and she always had some type of plant to keep it homey. I miss her everyday, I know she is watching me as I raise my daughter. I’m sad that she wasn’t able to meet
Chloe in front of me, but I know before God gave me Chloe: they met in IMG_6926heaven. She knew I was going to get pregnant before I did. She had told one of my aunts and another family member that I was with child before I actually was. But she knew. I saw her almost everyday before she passed. Her and I both knew her time was almost up and having her as my last grandparent, I needed to take advantage of that. She always told me not to worry and she would be in a better place. She told me to be happy and that she loved me. I would look into her eyes and I could see her heart smiling. I hated leaving everyday knowing she would just sit there with her thoughts. She loved to talk. She loved to talk about what she had thought about all day, what she did that day, what other people did that day and any gossip in the nursing home.. I still remember the day I found out she passed away and joined the army of angels.. I was at my old job and had a phone call, I could hear it in their voice… Something was wrong. I knew it was her. Obviously, I left work and went straight home to my family.. This time of year is hard now. I can’t just go visit her like I would. But I believe when you think about someone who has passed they are in your presence.

When I would go with my dad to see her, I saw a kid. Her baby boy. He looks like gramps, no doubt.. But his heart, thats all her. I am proud to be in this family.

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Being Thankful For (almost) 8 Months and Counting…

Sometimes the days seem so long but in reality… after she eats five or six times, the day comes to an end. Then I look back in shock at how fast my baby girl has grown. I’ll put her to sleep and then take her out of the crib the next morning, she looks like she has grown over night. The things that take her a couple days to conquer seem like they happen so fast. First it was little things like finding her hands, holding her head up. Now its crawling and holding all her weight on all fours. I can’t believe that in 4 short months she will be a year old. I kind of feel victorious for accomplishing a whole year as a parent, like I should get some type of reward from the world. But there are people out there who do what I do ALL by themselves, with less resources… with nothing. They should get the reward. I have help, I have food to put on the table, and I have a job to provide for my daughter. Chloe is an “easy” baby so I don’t have it that rough, although because I am used to such a good baby, when we have hard days.. I feel like giving up.

I keep pushing because during the teething times and when she’s sick, I  tell myself that she is a baby and this is what they do. I would be acting the same if not worse if my teeth were working their way through my sensitive gums. And I am the worst when I’m sick. I have to remind myself through out the day that this is Chloe acting “bad”. I have a healthy and happy (most of the time) baby. People are out there dealing with kids who have disabilities, have kids who are terminally ill, or who have already lost a child. I am one of the fortunate ones. As are my friends who have kids. I hear so often mommy complaints.. I do it too. But we have SOOOOO much to be thankful for. Yea, our babies are fussy, or they are wakeful through the night. But they are alive, healthy, and happy. We have more than a lot of people do. We were able to have children. Do you know how many people would kill to have a baby?! I sometimes feel like complaining as well, and I’m not saying I haven’t… But I really have the best. I am truly blessed and I couldn’t be happier.. even on our “hard” days. Its so easy to pick out the hard times and negative things in our lives. We really should count our blessings.

I hope Chloe grows to be thankful, appreciative, and humble with what she has. I work my butt off doing different things to make money here and there. I hope she realizes how good she actually has it. I do too. Being able to provide for my little is the best feeling in the world. I don’t need to ask people for help but because I have it, I am sane. Someone out there always has it worse.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”          -Regina Brett

In conclusion, I do think it’s okay for you to complain… in moderation. We all have to vent, and  I totally get that.. I do however believe that if you think about something positive before you speak the negative.. you might not be in the mood to “vent” anymore. I am going to try and focus on the good rather the bad things because this is a problem I have. Its easy for me to instantly become bummed or upset over the “little” things when in reality there are way bigger things to be worried over.

two -> three

IMG_2232Sooooo I had written a whole blog about her second month of life… But this stupid thing didn’t save it, so instead or trying to recreate it, I’m just gonna mash two months together… less reading too. lets be real, who likes to read that much anyway?!

These past two months have been some sort of crazy. She is literally changing IMG_2247overnight. She will be so close to accomplishing something and the next morning its like she practiced in her dreams. She is now eating her hands more than anything, she’s still obsessed with her chucho (pacifier)  but she is so infatuated with her hands. She recently found them and knows that they are connected to her. I had never really appreciated my hands all that much, even though I use them everyday… After watching how happy she was with her “new” hands, I found a new appreciation for mine. She is teaching me things everyday too. I’ll think all my patience has run out then she reminds me that this an all day job, so I might as well make the best of it. She is growing into a little human right before my eyes. I sometimes miss the days when all she was do IMG_2302was sleep the day away and I could just do whatever I want, but I love watching her grow and discover new things.

We have been part of a “mommy group” consisting of a couple of my friends and their children. Its so nice to have people who know what you are talking about. And they’re all around my age. Of course Chlo is the youngest, but thats okay, I was always the “baby” of my friends too. The kids are all so young that they can’t do much buIMG_2336t we enjoy talking, sharing and venting about the duties of being mothers. I think when you tell people who don’t have kids about your responsibilities of being a parent, you paint them a picture that makes them look at parenthood as a bad thing. It really isn’t, but sometimes you are so overwhelmed that you need to explain or vent about situations to people who understand what you are saying. I don’t love my baby any less because I get frustrated at my tasks as a parent. Im only human. Its natural. This is an all day, everyday job. Theres no weekend or summer vaycay. I chose to keep her and being her mother is the best job I’ve ever had. I am so privileged. Not every one gets this wonderful gift, and yes, I may be younger than I expected to become a mother, but I will get more time with her hopefully. I got to meet her sooner than I expected but it was the best gift I’ve ever received. Everyday she reassures me I made the right decision. Her smile can brighten anyones day and I know she loves me without having to tell me. She is my best friend.

IMG_3040 She has upped her sleeping from 6 hours to a whole 10 hours at night. I can’t explain how great it feels after months of sleep training. I read this book called “On Becoming Baby Wise: Give Your Infant The Gift Of Sleep”. Best book I have ever read. It worked wonders on my little human.She was sleeping the full night through by 6 weeks on the date. She wasn’t always like this. She was a night owl… But no longer is that an issue. She is a much better sleeper than a lot of babies I know. Everyone says she’s an easy baby, and she really is, but she has her days.

She has had her first fathers day, at a rodeo. We went with Erick and his family. She slept most of theIMG_3031 time, even with our seats right next to the announcer and singers. She has had her first fourth of July. We went to the Marin County Fair.. There were some interesting people. I’ll probably talk more about that in another blog, just some things I saw. She loved the fireworks though, she was so fascinated with them. No tears from my baby. We went swimming for her first time last week. She didn’t even cry when her feet touched the water. Her suit was getting too small because we bought it during the last heat wave, last month and no longer fits her. Her first and last time wearing that suit.

IMG_3197All in all, these past two months have been nothing short of amazing. I love every second with my daughter. She is my life and now that I have her: I don’t know what I would do without her. I can’t imagine what I would be doing now, if I wasn’t a mommy. Probably smoking, and still partying and not really going any where in life, no purpose. Im so glad that I changed my life, especially for her.

I can’t believe that my baby will be four months soon.

Its all happening so fast, but Im loving every second of it with her.

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