To all my past 

I was raised to never burn bridges. When people hurt you: forgive, move on and be happier than before. Everything happens for a reason. People come in your life and they might leave.. Everyone is a lesson or a blessing, sometimes both. I believe if you truly are happier and have moved on, the past can resurface without being bitter about it. We have learned something from each and every person who has crossed our paths. I say sometimes I have erased people from my past, but in reality, they are a part of me. They made me who I am, the woman I carry myself as and the mother I pry myself on being. I have learned so many things from each person who has entered and even left my current life. My heart is so big and full and my memories are always resurfacing. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the educational. 

Erick has initials of his ex girlfriend on his shoulder.. and I could actually care less. Surprisingly. I used to get mad about stuff like that but since I met Erick, and have birthed two children during our relationship, I’ve realized there’s more important things to worry about. Your tattoo of your ex isn’t at the top of my priorities. I’m actually more happy than anything that he has it. It shows he has loved someone THAT much to get them tattooed on him. He has had other lovers and I’m fully aware of that, I love his past, his present and his future. He has been shaped into the person he is because of his past, and if we ever split, I have helped make him the man he is today. The man I fell for, love and will always love, no matter what transpires between us in the future.

I am so incredibly happy with my family, my life, I have a cool job, and I have a great support system of friends.. I have no bitterness or grudges towards ANYONE. I’ve had SO MANY temporary friends, without knowing they’d be gone one day. I’ve had past relationships I resented. As I grow, get more mature and just reflect on life, I’ve realized so much energy is taken out on all this bullshit that’s not even relevant in our current lives. I ultimately hope and pray that everyone in my past is happy. With me, without me. I just hope you’re smiling most of the time and you are blessed. Also, a huge THANK YOU to those who shaped me into the person I am. Friends, family, ex’s, their new significant others, their kids (if they got em), acquaintances… I hope you’re all happy in the end. 
ONLY LOVE CAN CONQUER HATE 💕

The loss of a child, my greatest fear.. 

I stumble across stories of parents losing their children on a weekly basis, it feels like. I thank the Lord everyday for the wonderful lives I have helped him create. I can’t even fathom what it would feel like to lose a child. Its my greatest fear. I think about it often. I think how different and how empty my life would be. Would I store their clothes in the attic or keep them out to remind me of the sweet memories? Would I have more children? Would I hang up even more pictures than I already have? Would I cry everyday for the rest of my life? How would me losing one child affect the way I parent? Its questions like these that I ask myself all the time. I don’t want to think about losing either of them, but these thoughts I cannot control. I cry every time I think too deeply about it, which is regularly. When I see these posts I just want to hug the mother, knowing it won’t do much. Those hugs won’t solve a broken heart. When I see these posts I go hug my own children, squeezing them just a little tighter, because those hugs make them feel safe. When I see these posts I think of my parents and if they had these reoccurring thoughts. Maybe that’s why they were so protective over things I thought little of. When I see these posts I am reminded that I anger too quickly over nothing. How these parents wish their kids were unrolling all of the toilet paper, hopping into the bath with all their clothes on, and waking them up in the middle of the night. How these parents long to hear their babies voice say “mama mama mama” over and over, even if it is just to say “hi!”. I think about how blessed I am to wake up to my childrens smiles every day. Although, nothing is guaranteed. I worry about this again and again: If they’re breathing while sleeping, If they’d get a sudden illness, or if something were to happen to them by another person. Would someone break in and steal them, even off the street or from the park. If someone was texting and driving and crashed into their side of the car… I hate thinking about death, even more so my own child’s. See, the hardest part for me as a parent is to love something so so much, and have it taken away. The responsibility of being a parent, keeping this little human safe, even from things you can’t control. That’s the hardest part for me. To just imagine losing someone I love more than anything, more than life itself, breaks my heart. When these thoughts flood my mind I am reminded to hug them a little longer, kiss them even when they think they’re too old, and tell them how much I love them as many times as I can each day. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a little one. I cannot imagine, but then again, I am. 

 

To the “man” who walked away from my daughter..

A lot of people have asked me about Chloe’s biological father and I’m more than open with the subject.. Erick and I have talked about this many times and how we will introduce the idea to Chloe about how she came into the world.. We are going to keep it a topic of common discussion. She will not find out in some letter years later, or think it was kept a secret. We are going to be honest with her about it. Any questions, concerns or comments she may have in the future. I think it is important for her to know the cultures behind who she is and why she looks the way she does, different than myself or Erick. I think it’s important to be open with her about it from a young age. I KNOW she will always look at Erick as her father, because he is. I KNOW she will be grateful for the life we have provided her with, together. I have a knot in my stomach thinking that Chloe will question it all at some point, I’m trying to brace myself for the day.. The day when she wonders why someone would leave her, why someone wouldn’t want to be a parent and what she did wrong. My answer will be “Absolutely nothing. You did nothing wrong. God gave us the life we are dealt and it will all make sense one day”. 

To the “man” who walked away from my daughter, 

Thank you! Thank you for giving me the best blessing I could ever imagine, even if you didn’t think so at the time. Thank you for leaving, thank you for choosing to take yourself out of her life.. She doesn’t need someone who is a part time parent, or someone who is questionable about her existence. She doesn’t need someone who isn’t going to stick around and have her best interest at heart. She doesn’t need someone who doesn’t love her. I am twice the parent you would have ever been to her, and love her ten times more than you can comprehend. I am enough parent for the both of us.  One day she will wonder about you and I will only tell her good things because I will not ruin her idea of what you might be. If she wants to find out on her own, that’s her choice.. She may not even want to meet you, and I’ll still be okay with that. When I look at her I don’t see you, I see me. I see a human that I created, grew and raised. I see a wonderful baby, girl, and woman. I see all she will aspire to be and how much she has changed me for the better. I see someone who doesn’t need you. I see all her potential in life and who she will turn out to be. Honest, compassionate, funny, wise, humble, and responsible. The exact opposite of you. I see someone who learns from your mistakes and for that I am thankful. I am not resentful towards you, I am grateful. I have the best daughter in the world thanks to you. And thanks to you, I don’t have to share her. I don’t have to worry about what you guys are doing on your time.. If she is being fed, loved or ignored. I don’t have to worry about if your leaving her with someone to go smoke weed or hangout with your friends. I don’t have to miss her on any holidays because we are joined at the hip. I don’t have to miss any birthdays because I get them all! I am beyond blessed, while you think she is a burden. She may be nothing to you, but to me she is EVERYTHING! I have a wonderful family, a man that loves me & his daughter. We are expecting another and our family will only grow from there. So thank you for (at the time) keeping me in the mindset that I could be a single mother & made the right choice in keeping her in every aspect. I don’t know what my life would be if I didn’t meet you, get pregnant years later and get left with a baby growing in my stomach. The best bumps in the road lead to the best life I could imagine. So once again, thank you for knowing you were too childish and selfish to be her father, she will never be the one who missed out, you will be. 

These are a few of my favorite things

-all the pros, of all the seasons-

If you know me, you know I am not a summer person. I hate the heat and how many people are running about. I hate that you can’t really cuddle because of the stickiness and sweat the bodies create. I hate having to put loads of sunscreen on and feel oily. I hate going to the park and the entire thing is on fire so my little one can’t even play. I hate the fact that everyone is in shorts, particularly myself. However, I can think of a few things that make me happy about the summer..

I love waking up to the birds chirping and singing me songs. I love the natural rays of sunlight that beam through my window to wake me peacefully. I do however, love the smell of sunscreen and watching my daughters skin turn its darker complexion in just one afternoons play. I love the family gatherings we have under the shady spots in the backyard that are surrounded by greenery. The food we cook and the great company of friends who are like family. I love the soft breezes that pass every so often, that move the wind chimes while giving you a break from the radiant sun. I love the sound of oldies and Dave Matthew’s band on the speakers as we sip our refreshing drinks and share laughs. I love when the sun goes down, how its still warm outside and we can make s’mores on the fire pit under the stars.

Even though all of these things sound great… When this time of the year is coming to an end, thats where I really get my kicks from. There is just something about the leaves falling from the trees that excites me and makes me anxious for the year to be over. I love being cozy, in sweats and multiple blankets. I love to cuddle and feel warm physically and mentally. I love making snacks and watching movies all day with the blinds up as the rain falls outside. I can see it, but I can’t feel it. I love turning my fireplace on and lighting all my candles at once and feeling like I’m safe from all the cold. I love doing arts and crafts inside as I can smell my freshly baked dessert finishing up in the oven. I love lazy days. I love gulping warm drinks and feeling them make all your insides warm at the same time. I love to puddle jump and dive into a pile of leaves to see all the dark colors of autumn disperse. The burnt oranges, bright yellows, browns and dark reds all come together. I love to bundle up in beanies, cozy socks, scarfs and layers. I love the anticipation of all the holidays coming: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. The gifts, gatherings and yummy food. I love pumpkin picking, and watching my little human trick-or-treat. I love decorating the tree and sitting in the dark with nothing but the Christmas tree lights on. I love holiday music and how happy people are (unless you work in retail, like myself). I love that people come home for the holidays, rather leave for summer vacations. I also love the fact that when all these fun things are over, I get to start planning a shindig for my daughters birthday in a short couple of months..

What I hate about all of these things, even my favorites are: how fast all these feelings come and go (and the rain when I have to leave the house).

“The days are long, but the years a short.”  -Gretchen Rubin

In conclusion, things that I hope happen every year in our house are wonderful things. I hope that we always have laughing kids running a muck in our house. Playing together with their imaginations. I hope that they can explore outside for hours as they play “restaurant” with the plants and make “salads”. I hope we have a fridge full of artwork done by little hands. I hope that we always have cuddles, even in the warm seasons. I hope we do fun things like family game night, until their old enough to love them without being forced to. Or, going to the movies when its hot or cold outside. I hope to have dates with my daughters to do girly things. And, dates with my boys to teach them to be gentlemen. I hope to have the sweetest aroma of laundry being done throughout the whole house. I hope that we have smiling faces everyday.  I hope that our kids grow to appreciate what they have and to find appreciation in what they normally wouldn’t. My wish is that my kids are always happy, healthy and humble. I want them to put God first, and everything else will fall in to place, just how it is supposed to.

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Some annoying things.. SHIT.. toddlers do.

So Chloe is now 14 months, and harder than ever to entertain. My patience is tested at its highest lately. She drives me insane, drives me up the wall. I sometimes have to take a step back and let her be a little girl. She is going to do things that piss me off or make me wonder “WHY ME?!” She’s one and some odd months, she isn’t a kid who listens on the first try, she mostly has no idea what I’m saying…  I can’t expect her to have common sense yet. Being a parent is the toughest, hardest, most exhausting job/title i’ve ever been given. Its not always flowers and rainbows, laughs and hugs. I’m IMG_7070going to be honest, its not always a walk in the park. And if it were a walk in the park, it would definitely consists of a crying baby trying to chase some squirrels, me chasing after her and people starring at us like we were crazies (which, lets be real, we are a bunch of crazies). Don’t get me wrong, I love my little human with all I have and I don’t know what life would be without her, she is the light of my life and all things good; but I think any parent would be lying if they said everything was good all the time. Children are more complex than average aged humans, they don’t know what feelings are and some don’t know words, they don’t know the ways of the world or how things work. Its a tough job being a kid too, I’m sure. 

Chloe is seriously the cutest kid on the planet to me but sometimes I just can’t with her.. She is crazy. IMG_7259She stands on toys that have wheels and damn near gives me a heart attack every time she does it. She recently learned how to climb up her little human couch onto the table and start dancing.. She screams bloody murder when I take her out of the bath. Speaking of baths, she throws all her toysinto the shower… while I’m showering.. Also, while I shower, she pulls things out of the trash (q-tips etc), she unrolls all the toilet paper and makes a trail of my (unused) tampons around the house. Not to mention her watching me take a shit every time, its so much pressure. The clinginess is real lately. I can’t get anything done, she cries about any and every thing she possibly can and won’t sit still. She hides things in random places.. If we’re ever missing a remote; I IMG_7129look in the kitchen cabinets. She also has to pull everything out of the cabinets (I know you’re thinking “why don’t you baby proof everything?!”, we can’t! Im just gonna leave it at that). She fights every nap time there is, and even when its time to go to bed, I’m not sure where the party is but its definitely not in our house, so I don’t know why she won’t just sleep. Just when I tell myself “Its okay to take a nap too” SHE WAKES UP! And, when we do sleep, she kicks me in the face, back and any other body part she can get her feet to. Then she wakes during the wee hours of the night and wants to play..  Its ridiculous. Yea, toddlers are great.. They like to be the center of attention, even when your out in public. They make the biggest mess in restaurants, ones that make you feel obligated to tip more because someone has to clean up after your little terror. And, they want everyone to hear them while doing so, so they scream all the time.

Honestly, all of this sounds horrible but my kid is seriously the best thing that has every happened to me. Just sometimes reality hits and things are all perfect as some people make them seem. Im sure if IMG_7083you’re a parent you can relate to this post and if you aren’t, I’m sure it is making you think twice about kids. I have these hard days, but if I didn’t, then the good ones wouldn’t seem as wonderful.There is no greater joy than a child. The way they run to you when you come in the front door with open arms after being away from you for hours. The way they want to cuddle you when they’re sick or sad or hurt. I wouldn’t change any of these annoying things my child does because we are growing together. I learn something new every day from her, something new about myself. She is my reason for being on earth and my absolute best friend. I have these hard days, but I’m not the only one and other people have it way harder than I. Some IMG_7165people can’t have kids or have lost theirs. I would take all of these hard days over days without her. My life would be boring and my heart would be empty. So heres to all the kids in our lives who make us want to rip out our hair and then make us want to give them kisses. Kids are like sour patch kids. Sour. Sweet. Gone. (out of the nest)

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“My Dad Looks Like My Gramps, But His Heart Is All Her…”

I know that my grandpas birthday is coming up, but he wouldn’t have been him without my grandma. This is all about her, and he would have it this way too: 

IMG_7226This time of year always reminds me of my grandma.. It’s probably because we always made it a point to see her often around the holidays. Especially after grandpa passed away. She looked great in red, but I remember her in blue the most. I remember walking into her senior home and knocking on her
door, waiting just a couple seconds as she walked to the door. She loved visitors. She always played host so well, always something to offer. Mostly stuff that wasn’t good for you, little candies and goodies. I remember going to see her and knowing I was going to be there for a couple hours, if not, between shifts. She didn’t care how long I was there just as long as I came to visit her. The tv was always on for background noise and she always had some type of plant to keep it homey. I miss her everyday, I know she is watching me as I raise my daughter. I’m sad that she wasn’t able to meet
Chloe in front of me, but I know before God gave me Chloe: they met in IMG_6926heaven. She knew I was going to get pregnant before I did. She had told one of my aunts and another family member that I was with child before I actually was. But she knew. I saw her almost everyday before she passed. Her and I both knew her time was almost up and having her as my last grandparent, I needed to take advantage of that. She always told me not to worry and she would be in a better place. She told me to be happy and that she loved me. I would look into her eyes and I could see her heart smiling. I hated leaving everyday knowing she would just sit there with her thoughts. She loved to talk. She loved to talk about what she had thought about all day, what she did that day, what other people did that day and any gossip in the nursing home.. I still remember the day I found out she passed away and joined the army of angels.. I was at my old job and had a phone call, I could hear it in their voice… Something was wrong. I knew it was her. Obviously, I left work and went straight home to my family.. This time of year is hard now. I can’t just go visit her like I would. But I believe when you think about someone who has passed they are in your presence.

When I would go with my dad to see her, I saw a kid. Her baby boy. He looks like gramps, no doubt.. But his heart, thats all her. I am proud to be in this family.

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Being Thankful For (almost) 8 Months and Counting…

Sometimes the days seem so long but in reality… after she eats five or six times, the day comes to an end. Then I look back in shock at how fast my baby girl has grown. I’ll put her to sleep and then take her out of the crib the next morning, she looks like she has grown over night. The things that take her a couple days to conquer seem like they happen so fast. First it was little things like finding her hands, holding her head up. Now its crawling and holding all her weight on all fours. I can’t believe that in 4 short months she will be a year old. I kind of feel victorious for accomplishing a whole year as a parent, like I should get some type of reward from the world. But there are people out there who do what I do ALL by themselves, with less resources… with nothing. They should get the reward. I have help, I have food to put on the table, and I have a job to provide for my daughter. Chloe is an “easy” baby so I don’t have it that rough, although because I am used to such a good baby, when we have hard days.. I feel like giving up.

I keep pushing because during the teething times and when she’s sick, I  tell myself that she is a baby and this is what they do. I would be acting the same if not worse if my teeth were working their way through my sensitive gums. And I am the worst when I’m sick. I have to remind myself through out the day that this is Chloe acting “bad”. I have a healthy and happy (most of the time) baby. People are out there dealing with kids who have disabilities, have kids who are terminally ill, or who have already lost a child. I am one of the fortunate ones. As are my friends who have kids. I hear so often mommy complaints.. I do it too. But we have SOOOOO much to be thankful for. Yea, our babies are fussy, or they are wakeful through the night. But they are alive, healthy, and happy. We have more than a lot of people do. We were able to have children. Do you know how many people would kill to have a baby?! I sometimes feel like complaining as well, and I’m not saying I haven’t… But I really have the best. I am truly blessed and I couldn’t be happier.. even on our “hard” days. Its so easy to pick out the hard times and negative things in our lives. We really should count our blessings.

I hope Chloe grows to be thankful, appreciative, and humble with what she has. I work my butt off doing different things to make money here and there. I hope she realizes how good she actually has it. I do too. Being able to provide for my little is the best feeling in the world. I don’t need to ask people for help but because I have it, I am sane. Someone out there always has it worse.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.”          -Regina Brett

In conclusion, I do think it’s okay for you to complain… in moderation. We all have to vent, and  I totally get that.. I do however believe that if you think about something positive before you speak the negative.. you might not be in the mood to “vent” anymore. I am going to try and focus on the good rather the bad things because this is a problem I have. Its easy for me to instantly become bummed or upset over the “little” things when in reality there are way bigger things to be worried over.