The struggle no more 

Growing up I was always different than most of my friends, specially when it came to the way we looked. I am also 5 years younger than my sister and have always been 5 times bigger than her.  Even to this day, I’m the biggest of all my friends. I used to hate it and sometimes I still do. But on the days I don’t, I’m so preoccupied with life; being a mom, wife, friend, and daughter.. I don’t even notice. I’m not focused on my body. Not saying I couldn’t lose a couple (or more) pounds, but I’ve come to learn to love myself. Some days are harder than others, and some days, I’m feelin’ my big, beautiful self. We recently did family photos and I wore a dress, heels and fake lashes. I felt so out of place. I missed my natural face, mom bun & leggings. That’s my usual. Nothing extra, over the top or special about it. I’ve gotten so comfortable with myself that when I wear more, I feel weird. “Less is more”, that’s my motto. Having daughters has led me to a whole new way of thinking. They are the most beautiful girls I’ve ever laid my eyes on and I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin. I may not love every pound I’ve gained, but I love every ounce of my daughters beings. I gained all this weight doing one of life’s most miraculous things, growing them. It took me this whole two and a half years to come to love every stretch mark I’ve gotten but when I look at them, I feel beautiful, confident and powerful. God makes no mistakes and I believe I was made to be this way for a reason. Since I’ve always been big, my looks haven’t gotten me as far as many, but my attitude and personality.. that shits golden. I never had to wonder if I had people in my life because of the way I look. I know people are my friends because of my humor, generosity & loyalty. I never had time to be caught up in my looks because I never felt like I was “all that”. As cliche as it sounds, being more beautiful on the inside is really wear it counts. I’ve seen a lot of ugly people with pretty faces.  Love the skin your in, love yourself & know your worth. I’d much rather be beautiful on the inside than the out anyway.. but I can be both.

This post isn’t me fishing for compliments, although, I won’t be mad if you call me beautiful. Haha kidding. But, more importantly for those still struggling with how they feel about their appearance. Looks aren’t everything. In fact, it’s barely the surface of you as a person. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE.


    Night and Day.. Those are my kids names apparently.

    I was blessed with not one, but two beautiful, healthy & smart daughters. I often wonder why I got to be their mom & why I am so fortunate to have them in my life.  They’re both healthy, can move their bodies, can hear, can see, they don’t have and brain problems or abnormalities. I am forever grateful for these two peanuts. I remember I was so nervous to have Chloe and become a mother, then I felt like I mastered it. This time around I was even more nervous to become a mother AGAIN, and I feel like we’re getting along fine. I still can’t believe those words: “I have two daughters”. It seems so unreal at times. Like, is this really my life? Time is going by much quicker than it did the first time and I can’t seem to get a grasp on how quick the days fly by me. My days are filled with constant cries, diapers on diapers on diapers (I forgot how often newborns go to the bathroom), and I’m nursing so much I think my body believes I have twins to feed.

    At first, I thought Ellie was easier than Chloe was because she ate so well. Chloe had a hard time latching, so I was bottle feeding my milk to her. All the cleaning, pumping and work I put into making just ONE bottle seemed like an endless job but Chloe was a champ at sleeping. She didn’t cluster feed and that ONE bottle got her a good couple hours of sleep for the both of us. It was nice. Where as, Ellie likes to eat every hour or so. I love that she eats so well, its just the sleeping we’ve yet to master. I had sleep trained Chloe and by the time she was 6 weeks, she was sleeping through the night. This time around Ellie sleeps, the longest stretches, 5 hours at a time. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but she is super colicky. She cries for about the same amount of time she sleeps.. 5 hours… Straight sometimes. I feel like I’ve gotten so used to it, and then I remember I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I feel bad for her, because obviously something is wrong but everything I try never seems to work. I’ve read that colic babies just cry and cry and nothing will work to soothe them sometimes. I’ve fed, changed, rocked, sang to, swaddled, played music for and sat in silence with her. Nothing. Sometimes I feel defeated and like I am not doing my job as a mother.. but to be honest, I am with her all day, every day, this constant cry is all I hear some days. I think a lot of people, scratch that, I KNOW a lot of people would have broken down more times and given up by now. Colic is no joke. I have prayed and prayed numerous times for God to give me patience before I had Ellie, and I think this is my test. I am trying to remain calm and patient with her, because she is just a baby and nothing is her fault. At times, I just want to put her back in my belly but when all the screaming is over; I just stare at her in awe again. I am so impressed by the amount of love a mother has. There are times when you want to put the baby down and just run out. Times when you just want someone else to hold  your screaming child while you go to the store and forget what is at home. I know I wouldn’t ever be able to do those things because its more stressful to leave them than it is to just deal with it. I know I am not alone though, I have friends who have had babies harder than mine, from what I’ve heard. Although, when you are holding this little human you created and dreamt about, you never imagined them being like this and it makes it that much harder. I know that this hard time will be over soon and this is just a bump in the road. Its not going to last forever and on the spectrum these are minor things that could be wrong with my kids.

    I don’t think its talked about often, when a mother feels defeated. How someone so little can have such a HUGE impact on your life, your feelings and emotions. I have cried a little each and every day since these colic episodes started. I think that’s pretty normal. I don’t know how else to handle it. You have two crying kids, why not join the party. I mean you’ve been sitting inside with these monsters day after day because you never know when the next episode will start or what will trigger it. You’ve been up since 1 or 2 am with your colic baby and up again at 7 with your toddler.. I think you deserve a moment to cry to yourself, even if you’re not by yourself.


    Overworked moms

    How many of you moms feel like you’re constantly working? All day, everyday?  From eyes open to eyes closed? I DO! PICK ME! You may think that Erick has a wife who cooks, cleans and does it all.. Well he does, but not one who is quiet about it. I voice my opinion of equality all the time. I only work at night except Monday mornings so I feel like my whole day is cleaning, then go to work and coming home just to pick up where I left off. I love to have a clean home, everything has a place and every place is a home to something. I know there are fathers who live like myself as well. I heard on The Real that moms do an average over 100 odd little tasks a day… It might be a little more than that. While you think you’re hard at work, which I’m not doubting you are, we are at home:

    • Waking up children, or rather, them waking us up, at the wee hours of the night/morning.
    • Making breakfast, feed the little babes, try not to forget to feed ourselves.
    • Take a shower while the child is in the shower with us, in their own personal tub.
    • Put the littles down for the naps that they fight constantly.
    • Strip bed sheets (adult and kids beds).
    • This one is just me: Empty the pool water and make way for clean water to play in.
    • Empty dishwasher and drying rack, just to load them back up again and hand wash all the pots and pans.
    • Sweep kitchen & bathroom.
    • Mop both of those rooms.
    • Wipe down all the counter tops
    • Put a load in the washer, and fold the remaining 4 clean baskets that have been sitting in the corner of the bedroom for days.
    • Pick up toys every 30 mins so that I don’t trip and die on a toy boat.
    • Make baby lunch. Maybe a snack for myself. Maybe.
    • Attempt to do some school work.
    • Hold child while attempting to do school work.
    • Get a cup of now cold coffee that was made at the time of task number 2.

    This is all stuff I did yesterday. This doesn’t even include if the day has a Dr. apt or some other plans. People ask me why I’m so tired, my kid sleeps through the night… Whoopty-F***ing-Do. I may have a child who sleeps through the night, but she is 1. Every and anything she can get her hands on, its either broken, dirty or misplaced. Its no easy job to be a slave to your child. But you do all these “jobs” so your family has a clean and beautiful home to be proud of. I don’t wash my sheets everyday so that list isn’t an everyday thing but its replaced with some other task, I’m sure. I just want to say if you are the parent who isn’t making this list your daily routine, then give them a break. Take the kid and let them get out of the house or enjoy a night with friends. I cannot tell you how much I enjoy being a mother, but in order for me to be my best for my little human, I need to take care of myself. She deserves a mommy who is relaxed and calm and had some alone time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you never leave your kids side you’ll never get to experience the “run with open arms” hug. Its the best. But like I said, it’s all worth it. Everything. 

    Some annoying things.. SHIT.. toddlers do.

    So Chloe is now 14 months, and harder than ever to entertain. My patience is tested at its highest lately. She drives me insane, drives me up the wall. I sometimes have to take a step back and let her be a little girl. She is going to do things that piss me off or make me wonder “WHY ME?!” She’s one and some odd months, she isn’t a kid who listens on the first try, she mostly has no idea what I’m saying…  I can’t expect her to have common sense yet. Being a parent is the toughest, hardest, most exhausting job/title i’ve ever been given. Its not always flowers and rainbows, laughs and hugs. I’m IMG_7070going to be honest, its not always a walk in the park. And if it were a walk in the park, it would definitely consists of a crying baby trying to chase some squirrels, me chasing after her and people starring at us like we were crazies (which, lets be real, we are a bunch of crazies). Don’t get me wrong, I love my little human with all I have and I don’t know what life would be without her, she is the light of my life and all things good; but I think any parent would be lying if they said everything was good all the time. Children are more complex than average aged humans, they don’t know what feelings are and some don’t know words, they don’t know the ways of the world or how things work. Its a tough job being a kid too, I’m sure. 

    Chloe is seriously the cutest kid on the planet to me but sometimes I just can’t with her.. She is crazy. IMG_7259She stands on toys that have wheels and damn near gives me a heart attack every time she does it. She recently learned how to climb up her little human couch onto the table and start dancing.. She screams bloody murder when I take her out of the bath. Speaking of baths, she throws all her toysinto the shower… while I’m showering.. Also, while I shower, she pulls things out of the trash (q-tips etc), she unrolls all the toilet paper and makes a trail of my (unused) tampons around the house. Not to mention her watching me take a shit every time, its so much pressure. The clinginess is real lately. I can’t get anything done, she cries about any and every thing she possibly can and won’t sit still. She hides things in random places.. If we’re ever missing a remote; I IMG_7129look in the kitchen cabinets. She also has to pull everything out of the cabinets (I know you’re thinking “why don’t you baby proof everything?!”, we can’t! Im just gonna leave it at that). She fights every nap time there is, and even when its time to go to bed, I’m not sure where the party is but its definitely not in our house, so I don’t know why she won’t just sleep. Just when I tell myself “Its okay to take a nap too” SHE WAKES UP! And, when we do sleep, she kicks me in the face, back and any other body part she can get her feet to. Then she wakes during the wee hours of the night and wants to play..  Its ridiculous. Yea, toddlers are great.. They like to be the center of attention, even when your out in public. They make the biggest mess in restaurants, ones that make you feel obligated to tip more because someone has to clean up after your little terror. And, they want everyone to hear them while doing so, so they scream all the time.

    Honestly, all of this sounds horrible but my kid is seriously the best thing that has every happened to me. Just sometimes reality hits and things are all perfect as some people make them seem. Im sure if IMG_7083you’re a parent you can relate to this post and if you aren’t, I’m sure it is making you think twice about kids. I have these hard days, but if I didn’t, then the good ones wouldn’t seem as wonderful.There is no greater joy than a child. The way they run to you when you come in the front door with open arms after being away from you for hours. The way they want to cuddle you when they’re sick or sad or hurt. I wouldn’t change any of these annoying things my child does because we are growing together. I learn something new every day from her, something new about myself. She is my reason for being on earth and my absolute best friend. I have these hard days, but I’m not the only one and other people have it way harder than I. Some IMG_7165people can’t have kids or have lost theirs. I would take all of these hard days over days without her. My life would be boring and my heart would be empty. So heres to all the kids in our lives who make us want to rip out our hair and then make us want to give them kisses. Kids are like sour patch kids. Sour. Sweet. Gone. (out of the nest)


    two -> three

    IMG_2232Sooooo I had written a whole blog about her second month of life… But this stupid thing didn’t save it, so instead or trying to recreate it, I’m just gonna mash two months together… less reading too. lets be real, who likes to read that much anyway?!

    These past two months have been some sort of crazy. She is literally changing IMG_2247overnight. She will be so close to accomplishing something and the next morning its like she practiced in her dreams. She is now eating her hands more than anything, she’s still obsessed with her chucho (pacifier)  but she is so infatuated with her hands. She recently found them and knows that they are connected to her. I had never really appreciated my hands all that much, even though I use them everyday… After watching how happy she was with her “new” hands, I found a new appreciation for mine. She is teaching me things everyday too. I’ll think all my patience has run out then she reminds me that this an all day job, so I might as well make the best of it. She is growing into a little human right before my eyes. I sometimes miss the days when all she was do IMG_2302was sleep the day away and I could just do whatever I want, but I love watching her grow and discover new things.

    We have been part of a “mommy group” consisting of a couple of my friends and their children. Its so nice to have people who know what you are talking about. And they’re all around my age. Of course Chlo is the youngest, but thats okay, I was always the “baby” of my friends too. The kids are all so young that they can’t do much buIMG_2336t we enjoy talking, sharing and venting about the duties of being mothers. I think when you tell people who don’t have kids about your responsibilities of being a parent, you paint them a picture that makes them look at parenthood as a bad thing. It really isn’t, but sometimes you are so overwhelmed that you need to explain or vent about situations to people who understand what you are saying. I don’t love my baby any less because I get frustrated at my tasks as a parent. Im only human. Its natural. This is an all day, everyday job. Theres no weekend or summer vaycay. I chose to keep her and being her mother is the best job I’ve ever had. I am so privileged. Not every one gets this wonderful gift, and yes, I may be younger than I expected to become a mother, but I will get more time with her hopefully. I got to meet her sooner than I expected but it was the best gift I’ve ever received. Everyday she reassures me I made the right decision. Her smile can brighten anyones day and I know she loves me without having to tell me. She is my best friend.

    IMG_3040 She has upped her sleeping from 6 hours to a whole 10 hours at night. I can’t explain how great it feels after months of sleep training. I read this book called “On Becoming Baby Wise: Give Your Infant The Gift Of Sleep”. Best book I have ever read. It worked wonders on my little human.She was sleeping the full night through by 6 weeks on the date. She wasn’t always like this. She was a night owl… But no longer is that an issue. She is a much better sleeper than a lot of babies I know. Everyone says she’s an easy baby, and she really is, but she has her days.

    She has had her first fathers day, at a rodeo. We went with Erick and his family. She slept most of theIMG_3031 time, even with our seats right next to the announcer and singers. She has had her first fourth of July. We went to the Marin County Fair.. There were some interesting people. I’ll probably talk more about that in another blog, just some things I saw. She loved the fireworks though, she was so fascinated with them. No tears from my baby. We went swimming for her first time last week. She didn’t even cry when her feet touched the water. Her suit was getting too small because we bought it during the last heat wave, last month and no longer fits her. Her first and last time wearing that suit.

    IMG_3197All in all, these past two months have been nothing short of amazing. I love every second with my daughter. She is my life and now that I have her: I don’t know what I would do without her. I can’t imagine what I would be doing now, if I wasn’t a mommy. Probably smoking, and still partying and not really going any where in life, no purpose. Im so glad that I changed my life, especially for her.

    I can’t believe that my baby will be four months soon.

    Its all happening so fast, but Im loving every second of it with her.


    That first month..

    The first month of my daughters life has already flown by like nothing. I feel like I just brought her home a week or two ago but it has been a whole month right before my eyes. Today she is 5 weeks and I must say they have been the hardest weeks of IMG_1498my life, by far. They are rewarding in many ways and I am so in love and obsessed with her but it is not an easy job being a parent. I can’t imagine my life without her now that she has come into mine, and am so thankful she is healthy and so so beautiful. But the 3AM feedings are not my favorite and when she is changed, fed and not tired.. its hard to figure out why she is crying. I think she just likes to exercise her lungs…

    IMG_1430_2She has taught me so much already, more than she or anyone knows. She has taught me patience, unconditional love, and that it is okay to cry when I have only gotten 5 hours of sleep total in 48 hours.. They say to sleep when baby sleeps but its almost impossible for me between checking to see if she’s breathing, trying to pump breastmilk, and keeping up with my chores. She needs a diaper change more than I imagined and loves to gulp down the milk. She gets drunk at almost every meal.

    Drs and some books tell you to feed your newborn every three hours.. its a little crazy to me to IMG_1380wake a sleeping baby when their form of communication is to cry when they need something. I fed every three hours up until about two weeks ago. Ive been letting her tell me when she is hungry and it is almost every three hours anyway, give or take thirty minutes. She has her own schedule and if she is sleepy, I’m not going to deprive her of that. We all need it and there is no need for us both to be grumpy and crying because we got woken up. I want to get her sleeping through the night at 8 weeks but so far she has a different schedule everyday. She likes to throw me for curve balls every now and then.



    A princess is born!

    April 12, 2015

    The day my little girl was born was honestly the best day of my life. I had been in labor for three days… (longest three days of my life) I had to be induced so my body wasn’t really ready for labor, but they made it happen.. after three different types of drugs to speed up dilating. I had only planned on going in for one of my regular checkups at the hospital and they informed me I would be staying to deliver. I knew she wasn’t going to come that night but I also didn’t know I would have to wait what seemed like forever to finally meet her. I wasn’t filled in on the instructions, routine or pains of giving birth because my classes were the day after I had been admitted.. I was going in blind folded basically. You see it in movies or hear mothers stories but your just like “oh that was easy, they made it look like a breeze“. Boy were they lying. It was the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever accomplished. Even to this day, I’m still in shock my body could do something so amazing!

    Anyway, Im getting off topic… point is I was in labor for three days. Meeting a new nurse every couple hours: whose names and faces I forgot in minutes because of the contraction pains. I had visitors throughout the days of waiting, those who made the days go by faster. But, the biggest support system I had was my boyfriend, Erick. He was there for me the whole time I was in the hospital. Some dads go home for a bit to get a break off of the fold out chairs but he never left my side.

    It was the third day I was in there, the day I would be delivering my baby. I was still three centimeters and had been since the day before. I had to get my epidural. I tried to hold out as long as I could, but my contractions were getting closer and closer together, and still not dilated any more than before. I went to bed that night in the room I would deliver in. It was becoming so much more real knowing this would be my last room before I got to meet the littlest love of my life. The Drs decided to break my water to speed things up once I had hit five centimeters, within an hour I went all the way to ten centimeters. The minute I hit ten, I knew it was time. The Dr checked me out and told me my body was right. My body was telling me to push, but my little girl hadn’t dropped enough down to start. It would have stressed her out too much if I had started pushing at that time. So, I did little pushes that helped my body not hurt as much, but didn’t put stress on baby. The monitor had lost her heartbeat, but they soon put a string attached to her head to keep track that way. The Drs said that when the string moves then she is moving more towards the outside world. It wiggled lots and I was being told that it was almost time to really give it my all… I gave every ounce of strength I had to help bring her into the world.. I had to hold my own legs and one point towards the end and I just remember thinking, omg thats a lot of hair… is it a hamster!?”  When they placed her on my chest I had forgotten all the pain I just went through for the last hour. I got compliments that made me feel like a superhuman. My family and the Drs made me feel amazing about all the effort I had just done alone to bring her out. The feeling that came over me is so unreal and unexplainable. Unless you are a parent yourself, its hard to picture what feelings come over you. This little human is growing inside of you for almost ten months, and all of a sudden: there they are. They know who you are off the bat. She cried when she came out, not right away, but when they gave her to me.. she immediately stopped. My heart was overflowing with love. I get butterflies when I look at her. This little piece of me is forever mine and finally here. Its like waiting for Christmas to happen when your little. Its like when you can’t sleep at night because you’re so excited for the next day. Its like the smell of fresh laundry. Its like when you think about memories that make your heart smile. Its the best feeling ever. Better than all the examples I just listed. She is my everything and I am so proud to be her momma. She is life.