I was blessed with not one, but two beautiful, healthy & smart daughters. I often wonder why I got to be their mom & why I am so fortunate to have them in my life. They’re both healthy, can move their bodies, can hear, can see, they don’t have and brain problems or abnormalities. I am forever grateful for these two peanuts. I remember I was so nervous to have Chloe and become a mother, then I felt like I mastered it. This time around I was even more nervous to become a mother AGAIN, and I feel like we’re getting along fine. I still can’t believe those words: “I have two daughters”. It seems so unreal at times. Like, is this really my life? Time is going by much quicker than it did the first time and I can’t seem to get a grasp on how quick the days fly by me. My days are filled with constant cries, diapers on diapers on diapers (I forgot how often newborns go to the bathroom), and I’m nursing so much I think my body believes I have twins to feed.
At first, I thought Ellie was easier than Chloe was because she ate so well. Chloe had a hard time latching, so I was bottle feeding my milk to her. All the cleaning, pumping and work I put into making just ONE bottle seemed like an endless job but Chloe was a champ at sleeping. She didn’t cluster feed and that ONE bottle got her a good couple hours of sleep for the both of us. It was nice. Where as, Ellie likes to eat every hour or so. I love that she eats so well, its just the sleeping we’ve yet to master. I had sleep trained Chloe and by the time she was 6 weeks, she was sleeping through the night. This time around Ellie sleeps, the longest stretches, 5 hours at a time. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but she is super colicky. She cries for about the same amount of time she sleeps.. 5 hours… Straight sometimes. I feel like I’ve gotten so used to it, and then I remember I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I feel bad for her, because obviously something is wrong but everything I try never seems to work. I’ve read that colic babies just cry and cry and nothing will work to soothe them sometimes. I’ve fed, changed, rocked, sang to, swaddled, played music for and sat in silence with her. Nothing. Sometimes I feel defeated and like I am not doing my job as a mother.. but to be honest, I am with her all day, every day, this constant cry is all I hear some days. I think a lot of people, scratch that, I KNOW a lot of people would have broken down more times and given up by now. Colic is no joke. I have prayed and prayed numerous times for God to give me patience before I had Ellie, and I think this is my test. I am trying to remain calm and patient with her, because she is just a baby and nothing is her fault. At times, I just want to put her back in my belly but when all the screaming is over; I just stare at her in awe again. I am so impressed by the amount of love a mother has. There are times when you want to put the baby down and just run out. Times when you just want someone else to hold your screaming child while you go to the store and forget what is at home. I know I wouldn’t ever be able to do those things because its more stressful to leave them than it is to just deal with it. I know I am not alone though, I have friends who have had babies harder than mine, from what I’ve heard. Although, when you are holding this little human you created and dreamt about, you never imagined them being like this and it makes it that much harder. I know that this hard time will be over soon and this is just a bump in the road. Its not going to last forever and on the spectrum these are minor things that could be wrong with my kids.
I don’t think its talked about often, when a mother feels defeated. How someone so little can have such a HUGE impact on your life, your feelings and emotions. I have cried a little each and every day since these colic episodes started. I think that’s pretty normal. I don’t know how else to handle it. You have two crying kids, why not join the party. I mean you’ve been sitting inside with these monsters day after day because you never know when the next episode will start or what will trigger it. You’ve been up since 1 or 2 am with your colic baby and up again at 7 with your toddler.. I think you deserve a moment to cry to yourself, even if you’re not by yourself.