The struggle no more 

Growing up I was always different than most of my friends, specially when it came to the way we looked. I am also 5 years younger than my sister and have always been 5 times bigger than her.  Even to this day, I’m the biggest of all my friends. I used to hate it and sometimes I still do. But on the days I don’t, I’m so preoccupied with life; being a mom, wife, friend, and daughter.. I don’t even notice. I’m not focused on my body. Not saying I couldn’t lose a couple (or more) pounds, but I’ve come to learn to love myself. Some days are harder than others, and some days, I’m feelin’ my big, beautiful self. We recently did family photos and I wore a dress, heels and fake lashes. I felt so out of place. I missed my natural face, mom bun & leggings. That’s my usual. Nothing extra, over the top or special about it. I’ve gotten so comfortable with myself that when I wear more, I feel weird. “Less is more”, that’s my motto. Having daughters has led me to a whole new way of thinking. They are the most beautiful girls I’ve ever laid my eyes on and I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin. I may not love every pound I’ve gained, but I love every ounce of my daughters beings. I gained all this weight doing one of life’s most miraculous things, growing them. It took me this whole two and a half years to come to love every stretch mark I’ve gotten but when I look at them, I feel beautiful, confident and powerful. God makes no mistakes and I believe I was made to be this way for a reason. Since I’ve always been big, my looks haven’t gotten me as far as many, but my attitude and personality.. that shits golden. I never had to wonder if I had people in my life because of the way I look. I know people are my friends because of my humor, generosity & loyalty. I never had time to be caught up in my looks because I never felt like I was “all that”. As cliche as it sounds, being more beautiful on the inside is really wear it counts. I’ve seen a lot of ugly people with pretty faces.  Love the skin your in, love yourself & know your worth. I’d much rather be beautiful on the inside than the out anyway.. but I can be both.

This post isn’t me fishing for compliments, although, I won’t be mad if you call me beautiful. Haha kidding. But, more importantly for those still struggling with how they feel about their appearance. Looks aren’t everything. In fact, it’s barely the surface of you as a person. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE.


    God, Your momma & Me

    Three years. Two kids. One love.

    The past few years have flown past me because so many other things were happening during our relationship. We had our honeymoon stage for a short while, soon after we welcomed our first baby into the world, we moved out on our own, we’ve welcomed our second child on earth, and so much more. I would be lying if I said everything has been an easy ride. We have both wronged the other; yelling, slamming doors, and going to bed angry (my least favorite thing)… but in the end, were always on the same team. We fight about things that aren’t important in retrospect. Little things like: why did you have to cut hair tonight?, Why did you just walk past that dirty diaper?, or lack of communication and such. He has never hurt me physically or even come close to breaking my heart. This man, I’m not sure how I was blessed with such a wonderful human. He has his flaws, and Lord knows, I have mine. I think were the perfect balance to each other. He is the calm to my wild, and I truly believe that opposites attract. When I first met Erick, I was newly pregnant and so scared about the future. Together, we have grown to be a secure couple and have a tight knit family. I know that with him, and help from the Lord, we will make it through anything. There have been times when I wished he would change or even myself; but these people are the two people who fell in love just a few years ago. I hope to never negatively change him. I always want him to have his own opinion and keep me level headed and vice versa. I know I can be honest with him, he knows everything about me from the darkness of my pasts to my hopes and dreams for the future. There isn’t anything I can’t talk to him about, whether its random thoughts, or deep emotions. I know three years seems like such a short amount of time, but for what we have accomplished in those three years, it feels like a lifetime. I barely remember life before him, except I was skinner… (ha) He is truly my best friend, other half and father of my children. Everyday spent with him is a day worthwhile. I can honestly say that I love him (and each of my kids) with all my heart, soul and being. I can wait to grow old with him, but I’m excited for all of the in-betweens memories we will create as we age together. We have and will struggle together just as we have and will succeed together. We are a team, partners and companions; I couldn’t imagine anyone else by my side. These past three years have been a test of our relationship, and we have surpassed it with flying colors. We will still have disagreements, but as long as we remain solid, we can achieve anything.


    My love is, Never gonna run dry, never gonna come up empty
    Now until the day I die, unconditionally
    You know I’m always gonna be here for ya
    No one’s ever gonna love you more than
    God, your mama, and me
    God, your mama, and me
    God, your mama, and me


    4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

    Dear Daughters,

    You girls are the foundation of my life. You’re the reason I wake up in the morning. Those smiles bring me nothing but joy and those cries make me thrive harder. I can’t picture my life without either of you and hope you ALWAYS know how much you mean to me. You are my heart, soul and all of my being. Without you, I am nothing. I hope nothing but the absolute best for your futures. I hope you know you are going to stumble many times, but you’ll get back up after each and be stronger than you were before. I hope you strive for your dreams and don’t let anyone tell you “you can’t do it”… not even me. I hope you stay true to your opinions and beliefs. I hope you always see the good in everything and try to make the best of even, what may seem, the worst situations. I hope you trust in God and give your lives to him. I hope that you two are always friends and have each others backs. I hope that you will know how important people are, even strangers, for someone loves them too. I hope you are always aware of your surroundings but willing to let people past your wall. I hope you fall in love, and experience all the feels. I hope you find someone who makes you the happiest person on earth, even if you have disagreements. You’ll probably go through at least one heartbreak, but I hope you know when you’ve found the one you’re supposed to be with forever. I hope you get to feel the overpowering love for a child, if thats what you want. I hope you will feel successful, even if you don’t have any money in your bank accounts. Riches aren’t measured in money, but the wealthyness of your heart. I hope you try to change the world for better, but bettering yourselves first . I hope you see beauty in the world that is crumbling down as you continue to grow. But most of all, I hope you never give up on yourselves. I hope you’re always humble, generous, kind and grateful for the life that God has blessed you with, even if its not going your way for a while. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. And it may seem like the end of the world at the time, its just small part of your long beautiful lives.

    You are both such wonderful beings and have touched more lives that you know. You have changed mine forever and for that, I am so grateful. I truly am one of the luckiest people in the world. Because I have you guys, I am rich.

    I love you more than my words can even begin to describe, and will forever be in your presence.


    Elliana’s Birth Story (5.5 months later)



    I haven’t fully written out Elliana’s birth story because I’ve just been so busy with both the girls, but while it’s some what fresh in my memory I thought I’d better; before I forget little details:

    I was scheduled for an induction on the 7th of March. I could have come in a day before or a day after that but I chose the 7th because I knew she would come out the next day. I remember the night I had to say goodbye to Chloe as an only child, and the thought alone scared me more than ever. I was sad to have been separated from her. Never in her whole (almost two years at the time) life, had I spent the night away from her. I’m not sure she cared, or even knew what was going on to be honest. She was taken care of by my sister, so she was probably happier than ever. Erick and I ate dinner with my family; we had tacos (delish!), then we were on our way.

    We were scheduled to come into the hospital at 8 pm, but the doors were locked, so we had to come through the emergency to walk upstairs. Walking up with all our pillows and blankets, I was excited and so nervous at the same time. My labor with Chloe hadn’t gone supppper well, so I had reoccurring memories that this time would be the same, if not, worse.

    We got checked into the room we would be “sleeping” in and I made a face time call to home to see my little baby before she was no longer my little baby..  I gave all my information and IVs settled in and was ready to start this whole process. I kept trying to have a positive mind and tell myself that “I HAVE to do all of this in order to see her” and I wanted her BAAAD. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep, and I hadn’t felt too bad of contractions yet. I shut off the TV around midnight. As I laid there, trying to tell myself to get some rest for the big day ahead of me, I just couldn’t for some reason. Every time I would start to fall into a nice sleep, I had to pee. And every time I got up to pee, the monitors that were kept on me would move and lose Ellies heartbeat. And every time the monitors lost her heart beat, the nurses had to come in and re adjust me. It was a never-ending process… except when it ended.

    Around 4 am I was having contractions that I could NOT sleep through.. at this moment, I knew it was time to ask for that epidural. My contractions were less than a minute apart and I couldn’t catch my breath between them.. The nurses had me gather my belongings and we started to head down the hall. Mind you the hallway is only a couple of feet and it took me a couple of minutes to make it.

    I watched the sun rise that morning, knowing this would be the day my sweet little would be coming into the world.

    Even though I asked for my epidural at 4:15ish, I didn’t get it until almost 9am. I had to be re set up into a different room, and the anesthesiologist took FORFUCKINGEVER.. When he did come into the room, I was in the worst pain I have ever felt. He asked me to sit up and lean over a pillow on my bedside table, Erick held my hands and the needle was inserted. During my heavy breathing while having contractions, this needle felt like it was going slower than ever. I didn’t feel the cold sensation I was hoping for and I knew something wasn’t right. the Dr. said to give it a couple of minutes.. But I remember the feeling from last time, and it was not it. I waited a couple of minutes and nothing happened, still the worst pains ever. I asked for him to come back in and mentioned that I had been sitting lopsided. I asked to remove the extra pillow under one of my butt cheeks. He stuck me again with a needle as the contractions got worse and everything felt more painful. I squeezed Erick’s arms harder than I thought I ever could. This time.. THIS TIME, I knew it had worked because I felt the sensation I was hoping for the last time. While all of this was happening, Erick’s mom was on her way to this hospital. To be honest, I didn’t want anyone in the room but I thought (later finding out she has) she had never seen one of her grandchildren born. I’m glad she was there though. I was feeling great at this time, the nurses told me to get some rest. Mind you, I hadn’t eaten since dinner the previous night around 6pm and I can hear my stomach growling but could barely feel it. I asked Erick to put “Jack Johnson” Pandora on so I could relax.. I was so exhausted that every time I started to fall into a deep sleep, I thought that I was going to die… Literally, I thought that I was seeing the light through my eyelids and that my body was so peaceful, I was floating. Erick told me I was talking crazy, but after those couple of times, I was too scared to fall asleep. I had to see my baby before I “went”. The nurses kept coming in to check how far along i was, and every time they told me “one more hour”. Finally, the hours were up and it was time for her to come, only one problem., she wasn’t facing the right way. She WAS head down but facing the window. Maybe she just wanted a view when she came out.. So, the stuck a peanut shaped exercise ball between my thighs until I was ready to start pushing.

    The nurse that was with me this whole morning had just gotten off her lunch, RIGHT before I started pushing. And my midwife was nowhere to be found, until my second push, she came running into the room. I was laying on my side when I delivered Ellie, I guess there wasn’t much time to turn over to my back. Erick held one of my legs up and I felt all her crevasses come out as I pushed. I felt her head, then her shoulders, then her hips and finally she just sort of fell out the rest of the way. I honestly just felt a bunch of pressure this time around. With Chloe, I felt every stretch and tear, EVERYTHING; like I didn’t even get the epidural. Both times, I felt like giving up, like all the pushes weren’t doing anything and they would never come out. And both times, the moment I felt like it was the end of my strength, they came out seconds later. I cried my eyes out when she was here. She was purple and gross… but that would never stop me from kissing her all over. I looked at her face, her hands, her legs and her little toes. I created this, I grew this and I delivered this. This beautiful human. At this moment, I was a mother of two beautiful little girls. I remember saying “Thank you, God!” and just remembering how lucky I am to have had no serious complications. The first set of visitors other than Erick’s mom, was big sister Chloe, my sister, dad and step-mom. I think Chloe was more excited to see her grandma and her little sister, but when Erick’s mom brought Chloe over to see Ellie. Chloe’s first reaction was “awwwwwh” as she sat Chloe next to me on the bed. This feeling is still so indescribable.. These are my daughters, such a weird feeling.

    After I gave birth this time, I bled more than the first time and felt more crampy; but overall I felt better. I wasn’t sore or anything really, I could walk and I took a shower. I did keep bleeding though, so they were a little concerned. I ended up not needed a blood transfusion that they mentioned a couple of times. All in all this was a great delivery. I was in labor for 18 hours and pushed for 10 mins… At 2:49 PM, weighing in at 8 pounds and 6 ounces, we finally got to meet Elliana Moné face to face. I am so in love with this little baby, I was once so scared to love.



     To all my past 

    I was raised to never burn bridges. When people hurt you: forgive, move on and be happier than before. Everything happens for a reason. People come in your life and they might leave.. Everyone is a lesson or a blessing, sometimes both. I believe if you truly are happier and have moved on, the past can resurface without being bitter about it. We have learned something from each and every person who has crossed our paths. I say sometimes I have erased people from my past, but in reality, they are a part of me. They made me who I am, the woman I carry myself as and the mother I pry myself on being. I have learned so many things from each person who has entered and even left my current life. My heart is so big and full and my memories are always resurfacing. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the educational. 

    Erick has initials of his ex girlfriend on his shoulder.. and I could actually care less. Surprisingly. I used to get mad about stuff like that but since I met Erick, and have birthed two children during our relationship, I’ve realized there’s more important things to worry about. Your tattoo of your ex isn’t at the top of my priorities. I’m actually more happy than anything that he has it. It shows he has loved someone THAT much to get them tattooed on him. He has had other lovers and I’m fully aware of that, I love his past, his present and his future. He has been shaped into the person he is because of his past, and if we ever split, I have helped make him the man he is today. The man I fell for, love and will always love, no matter what transpires between us in the future.

    I am so incredibly happy with my family, my life, I have a cool job, and I have a great support system of friends.. I have no bitterness or grudges towards ANYONE. I’ve had SO MANY temporary friends, without knowing they’d be gone one day. I’ve had past relationships I resented. As I grow, get more mature and just reflect on life, I’ve realized so much energy is taken out on all this bullshit that’s not even relevant in our current lives. I ultimately hope and pray that everyone in my past is happy. With me, without me. I just hope you’re smiling most of the time and you are blessed. Also, a huge THANK YOU to those who shaped me into the person I am. Friends, family, ex’s, their new significant others, their kids (if they got em), acquaintances… I hope you’re all happy in the end. 

    The loss of a child, my greatest fear.. 

    I stumble across stories of parents losing their children on a weekly basis, it feels like. I thank the Lord everyday for the wonderful lives I have helped him create. I can’t even fathom what it would feel like to lose a child. Its my greatest fear. I think about it often. I think how different and how empty my life would be. Would I store their clothes in the attic or keep them out to remind me of the sweet memories? Would I have more children? Would I hang up even more pictures than I already have? Would I cry everyday for the rest of my life? How would me losing one child affect the way I parent? Its questions like these that I ask myself all the time. I don’t want to think about losing either of them, but these thoughts I cannot control. I cry every time I think too deeply about it, which is regularly. When I see these posts I just want to hug the mother, knowing it won’t do much. Those hugs won’t solve a broken heart. When I see these posts I go hug my own children, squeezing them just a little tighter, because those hugs make them feel safe. When I see these posts I think of my parents and if they had these reoccurring thoughts. Maybe that’s why they were so protective over things I thought little of. When I see these posts I am reminded that I anger too quickly over nothing. How these parents wish their kids were unrolling all of the toilet paper, hopping into the bath with all their clothes on, and waking them up in the middle of the night. How these parents long to hear their babies voice say “mama mama mama” over and over, even if it is just to say “hi!”. I think about how blessed I am to wake up to my childrens smiles every day. Although, nothing is guaranteed. I worry about this again and again: If they’re breathing while sleeping, If they’d get a sudden illness, or if something were to happen to them by another person. Would someone break in and steal them, even off the street or from the park. If someone was texting and driving and crashed into their side of the car… I hate thinking about death, even more so my own child’s. See, the hardest part for me as a parent is to love something so so much, and have it taken away. The responsibility of being a parent, keeping this little human safe, even from things you can’t control. That’s the hardest part for me. To just imagine losing someone I love more than anything, more than life itself, breaks my heart. When these thoughts flood my mind I am reminded to hug them a little longer, kiss them even when they think they’re too old, and tell them how much I love them as many times as I can each day. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a little one. I cannot imagine, but then again, I am. 


    Night and Day.. Those are my kids names apparently.

    I was blessed with not one, but two beautiful, healthy & smart daughters. I often wonder why I got to be their mom & why I am so fortunate to have them in my life.  They’re both healthy, can move their bodies, can hear, can see, they don’t have and brain problems or abnormalities. I am forever grateful for these two peanuts. I remember I was so nervous to have Chloe and become a mother, then I felt like I mastered it. This time around I was even more nervous to become a mother AGAIN, and I feel like we’re getting along fine. I still can’t believe those words: “I have two daughters”. It seems so unreal at times. Like, is this really my life? Time is going by much quicker than it did the first time and I can’t seem to get a grasp on how quick the days fly by me. My days are filled with constant cries, diapers on diapers on diapers (I forgot how often newborns go to the bathroom), and I’m nursing so much I think my body believes I have twins to feed.

    At first, I thought Ellie was easier than Chloe was because she ate so well. Chloe had a hard time latching, so I was bottle feeding my milk to her. All the cleaning, pumping and work I put into making just ONE bottle seemed like an endless job but Chloe was a champ at sleeping. She didn’t cluster feed and that ONE bottle got her a good couple hours of sleep for the both of us. It was nice. Where as, Ellie likes to eat every hour or so. I love that she eats so well, its just the sleeping we’ve yet to master. I had sleep trained Chloe and by the time she was 6 weeks, she was sleeping through the night. This time around Ellie sleeps, the longest stretches, 5 hours at a time. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but she is super colicky. She cries for about the same amount of time she sleeps.. 5 hours… Straight sometimes. I feel like I’ve gotten so used to it, and then I remember I can’t even hear my own thoughts. I feel bad for her, because obviously something is wrong but everything I try never seems to work. I’ve read that colic babies just cry and cry and nothing will work to soothe them sometimes. I’ve fed, changed, rocked, sang to, swaddled, played music for and sat in silence with her. Nothing. Sometimes I feel defeated and like I am not doing my job as a mother.. but to be honest, I am with her all day, every day, this constant cry is all I hear some days. I think a lot of people, scratch that, I KNOW a lot of people would have broken down more times and given up by now. Colic is no joke. I have prayed and prayed numerous times for God to give me patience before I had Ellie, and I think this is my test. I am trying to remain calm and patient with her, because she is just a baby and nothing is her fault. At times, I just want to put her back in my belly but when all the screaming is over; I just stare at her in awe again. I am so impressed by the amount of love a mother has. There are times when you want to put the baby down and just run out. Times when you just want someone else to hold  your screaming child while you go to the store and forget what is at home. I know I wouldn’t ever be able to do those things because its more stressful to leave them than it is to just deal with it. I know I am not alone though, I have friends who have had babies harder than mine, from what I’ve heard. Although, when you are holding this little human you created and dreamt about, you never imagined them being like this and it makes it that much harder. I know that this hard time will be over soon and this is just a bump in the road. Its not going to last forever and on the spectrum these are minor things that could be wrong with my kids.

    I don’t think its talked about often, when a mother feels defeated. How someone so little can have such a HUGE impact on your life, your feelings and emotions. I have cried a little each and every day since these colic episodes started. I think that’s pretty normal. I don’t know how else to handle it. You have two crying kids, why not join the party. I mean you’ve been sitting inside with these monsters day after day because you never know when the next episode will start or what will trigger it. You’ve been up since 1 or 2 am with your colic baby and up again at 7 with your toddler.. I think you deserve a moment to cry to yourself, even if you’re not by yourself.